When I first signed with my agent at Endeavor (now WME) in 1999, I remember thinking, “This is so great. Why aren’t any cheeses doing this?” I was merely a columnist at Time magazine, and I got opportunities to write network pilots, host game shows, and write books. I even got an audition for Breaking Bad, even though my entire acting résumé consisted of playing Hugo Peabody in a high school production of Bye Bye Birdie, for which I received this review: “Maybe acting isn’t for you.” That review came from my parents. If I was getting this kind of action, what could a major Hollywood agency do for a popular dairy product?
I was proven right just a year later, when Friends had Joey Tribbiani star in a show-within-the-show called Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E., in which C.H.E.E.S.E. was played by a robot. That’s a role that should have gone to cheddar or even—with the right representation—gouda or Monterey Jack.
So I wasn’t surprised last week when the United Talent Agency—which reps Timothée Chalamet, Bad Bunny, and Seth Rogen, none of whom are cheeses—signed the Parmigiano Reggiano Consortium. Upon signing, the consortium’s marketing chief, Carmine Forbuso, said, “We’re excited to explore new formats and platforms to express this story globally.”
A lot of studios are going to fight to express the story of Parmigiano globally. But parm, you need to be careful. You should be in good shape with Sam Glynne, the head of UTA’s Entertainment and Culture Marketing, who says he’ll be “helping this iconic brand to curate its product placement strategy.” But keep your own counsel, or as you call it (in a way I find a little Five Families), “consortium.” Think about the cautionary tale of Kool-Aid, which in the TV show The Studio was almost told by Martin Scorsese through the Jonestown massacre. First of all, parm, you do not want Martin Scorsese getting anywhere near you. You want Parmigiano in a Nancy Meyers kitchen, not splattered with mob blood.
Sam has already gotten you on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, when Colbert rolled out a 90-pound wheel of parm with his face flash-burned on it before saying, “We’ll be right back with Senator Elizabeth Warren.”
We’ll be right back with Senator Elizabeth Warren? That’s not the kind of inclusive message the King of Cheeses wants. We’ll be right back with The Rock. Or better yet, “We’ll be right back with Parmigiano.” That’s what WME would get you.
Still, UTA is steering you in the right direction. Before UTA, your big appearance was sponsoring artistic gymnast Giorgia Villa, who won a silver medal in the Paris Olympics. Parm, is it at all in your interest to have people thinking about flexible young women? Let me give you a hint: you’re a cheese. So, no. Danny DeVito should be gnawing at chunks of you like E.T. did with Reese’s Pieces.
No matter how much you like Sam Glynne and his Clippers tickets and his dinners at Craig’s with the Parmesan truffle fries, remember this is a business. If you’re not recurring on The Bear next season, it’s time to switch agencies. If Sam so much as suggests a walk-on on Nonnas, it’s time to move on.
How hard is it to get Phil Rosenthal to make one of those orgasm faces when eating you? How many Negronis would it take to get Stanley Tucci to make sweet love to a wheel of parm? Would Alison Brie consider changing her last name? These are the questions UTA should be asking.
The truth is that, as good as WME is, my career isn’t what it once was, because Hollywood isn’t what it was. Sure, you can brag to the other cheeses that you’re in a prestige Apple TV series. But influencers are going to sell the pre-grated stuff that keeps you in business. And if you don’t figure that out yourself, Pecorino Romano will.
